According to Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, people understand emotional messages from others in five different ways. He calls these ways “love languages.”
He insists that in order for your spouse to understand the feelings that you are trying to convey, you must speak her love language.
The Five Love Languages
The five languages that Chapman discusses are:
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of service and
- Physical touch
In light of this teaching, I’d like to offer you five ways to show your wife that you love her for each of those five love languages. Of course you are free to choose ideas from any section of this list. Because if you are speaking your wife’s love language on a regular basis, the other things you do to show affection will just be icing on the cake.
Quality Time
1. Take a walk—alone—without the kids. Ask her about her day. Do not bring up the office. Do not bring up what you want to get done on the house. Do not talk about your bowling league. Just listen.
2. Send the kids to Grandma’s for the weekend. Turn off the phones and the computers and spend time together. It doesn’t matter if you work in the yard or watch back-to-back movies, just be together.
3. Go to bed early and lay in the dark and talk. Cuddle without expectations of anything more, and just share your hearts. Fall asleep knowing that your best friend is right next to you.
4. Work on a project together. Whether cleaning out the attic or planting the garden, working together can give you the opportunity to communicate in a non-threatening way.
5. Establish a regular date night. Just take a drive, walk the mall, or go to the park and swing. Share babysitting with another couple. You could go on Friday nights and they could go on Saturday.
Words of Affirmation
6. Write her poetry. Handwrite your poem on nice stationery. Put it in an envelope with a romantic postage stamp and mail it the old-fashioned way. If she works in an office, mail it to the office so that she can share it with her co-workers.
7. Send her loving text messages throughout the day. A scripture verse to encourage her, a prayer, or just an “I Love You” will make her day.
8. Sing her a song. Remember the first song you danced to? The song that was playing on the radio when you asked her to marry you? Whatever is your song, learn it and perform it. Even if it’s just for her on the back patio or for the whole family over dessert.
9. When she complains about her day, about how the kids were out of control, the washing machine acted up, or that nothing went right, do not offer solutions. Simply encourage her. Tell her she is the best mother in the world. Tell her you’ll wear dirty clothes if you have to. Just build her up without trying to be in control.
10. Pray for her. Daily. And tell her that you are. In fact, ask her what her prayer needs are so that you have something more than “God, please bless my wife today.”
Gifts
11. Pick her flowers on the way home from work. Don’t pick them out of someone’s garden, like my son did. But pick the wild daisies, the day lilies, or even the dandelions. Every woman likes to receive a bouquet of flowers occasionally.
12. Make her a gift. Do you carve wood, fashion metal, or paint? Create something specifically for your wife. Monogram it. Embellish it. Let her see that you didn’t just give her something out of the workshop, but that you fashioned it with her in mind.
13. Give her one of your T-shirts to sleep in. Let her know that it’s one of your favorites. Or, give her one that reminds her of a special occasion from a place you went together.
14. Ask your mother or sister for a piece of family jewelry (or another heirloom) that your wife would like to have. Give it to her for her birthday or for an anniversary. Have your mother write the history of the piece so that your wife can pass the story on to one of your daughters someday.
15. Again, go to mom and ask if you can raid her picture box. Collect a few pictures of yourself as a child and make a little album for your wife. Write a caption for each picture sharing your memories with her.
Acts of Service
16. See the garden full of weeds? Weed it. Sticking to the kitchen floor? Mop it. Need clothes for work tomorrow? Throw in the laundry. Look for what she didn’t get done that day and do it—without saying anything.
17. Watch the children so your wife can have an evening out. In fact, do this on a regular basis and you will be the most talked about husband on the planet—in a good way.
18. Fix whatever is broken. It doesn’t have to be the big expensive project that you don’t have the money for. Grease the squeaky car door. Re-attach the toilet paper holder to the wall. Caulk the bathroom tub.
19. While she’s away at the grocery store, clean the kitchen. Nothing is worse than coming home to a messy kitchen with a car load of groceries. If you have the time, clean the refrigerator out, too.
20. Cook supper one night a week, or breakfast on the weekends. Even if you just do it once in a while, your wife will love you for it.
Physical Touch
21. Kiss her good-bye in the morning—every morning. Kiss her hello in the evening—every evening. Kiss her goodnight—every night.
22. Walk WITH her. Whether you are walking for exercise or just shopping the mall, walk with your wife, not 10 feet ahead of her. Remember that her legs are not as long and it’s harder for her to keep up. Hold her hand so you have to stay by her side.
23. When watching a movie, cuddle on the couch. No his and her chairs.
24. Give her a massage. You don’t have to be a professional massage therapist to help out a wife’s achy back. After the kids go to bed, when she can relax, put a comfy mat on the floor and give her your undivided attention while massaging out all the kinks.
25. Do not walk through a room where your wife is without touching her in some way. Placing your hand on her shoulder, stroking her cheek, or simply running your fingers through her hair all tell her that you love her.
There are 25 ways to tell your wife you love her—for FREE. And I’m sure that you can come up with a lot more. If so, please share them in the comments.
Hi Carol–You’re right on the money with quality time. With kids, work, extended family and friends that’s difficult to find, but it makes all the difference when we do. It isn’t a matter of what we do either–an evening walk, a cup of coffee at Starbucks, or just some quiet time out on the deck are real moments. And maybe even more so because they’re so hard to come by.
It’s so easy to be distracted, Kevin, by other things: kids, cell phones, etc. Part of showing love is saying, “You are more important than whoever is calling on my phone right now,” and not answering it. Thanks for sharing.
I am getting married next May, I will tuck this post away for the future. These are excellent ideas to keep in mind.
Congratulations, David. God’s blessings on your future together.
I shared this on my FB page. Many people responded that they thought the ideas were fantastic. This is one of my favorite articles on ChristianPF so far. Definitely going to be added to favorites. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Jonathan. I just asked myself, “What would I want my husband to do?” And there you have it.
Thanks for sharing, Shawn. Love the YouTube idea.
Thank you! Where are the 25 ways to love your husband
It’s coming, Lydia. Just stay tuned :-).
Thanks for sharing, JP. I actually had to point out #9 to my own hubby this week…after he read my story. 😐 I’m looking up the article.
Investing in your marriage is perhaps the most important personal finance tip. It pays dividends beyond any monetary account, and if you fail the costs are immeasurable.
My wife and I just finished completing the love language self assessment surveys. It was an eye opener for me. I had no idea how important words of affirmation were to her. Now I have to step up.
Great advice. With time I’ve gotten better, but can always use a reminder. Thanks, and thanks to Jason for linking this up.
Marriages today are so important, more so than work or activities (IMO), it’s a cornerstone of life, and a happy one at that, one when taken care of will produce blessings to many to count. “Proverbs 18:22 (NLT) The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,
and he receives favor from the Lord.” How cool is that 🙂
I am ‘ol skool’ and now retired but whenever I was away for business, I would send her a good old fashioned hand written letter; thanking her for all that she did for me, for the kids, and for us. When my kids were young, I sent them a handwritten letter each year summarizing the prior year and giving them hints of what to expect the coming year. For example: as my daughter turned 16, I would tell her how proud we were of how she has developed as s loving daughter, how well she performed in school the past year, a special thanks for the relationship she has maintained with her two younger brothers and thanks for volunteering to help out with the boys homework. You are turning 16 in two weeks and this should prove to be an exciting year. With a few more lessons, you will be taking your drivers test. Driving is very serious so you must pay close attention as he talks to you about safe practices while behind the wheel…..
I would carefully word a letter to each child regarding their individual situation. The letter would be as much as ten pages long. I believe that a carefully worded hand written letter works always, so I think I will get up and prepare a letter for my wife and for my three children ages 30, 33, and 36. Thanks for the conviction:)
Thanks for putting this out there. I am a recovering bonehead who almost destroyed a 20 year marriage to the perfect woman. We are now over 23 years and getting better every day.
The suggestions in this article are all foundational principles for me. I love my wife. Part of loving her is learning who she is and what she needs. My mission in life, now, is to love her more each day and encourage other married Christian men to step up and do it right.
If it’s ok, I want to link back here from my blog. Always happy to find someone else fighting to save families.
CAN YOU PLEASE SING ME UP FOR YOUR NEWSLETTERS.
Sure thing, Jethro – I’ll get you signed up!
Enjoy the suggestions and all it pours into other lives so we can be the best spouse possible! Thanks & God bless